Imagining the Menu at Elon Musk’s Forthcoming Restaurant
At the Tesla diner in Los Angeles, you could be eating AI-oli and hot DOGE towers
Plenty of restaurants have been run by absolute monsters so it makes perfect sense that Elon Musk has long wanted to toss his MAGA hat into the ring. Pete Wells reports that Tesla, Musk’s tanking company and producers of the ugliest car you’ve ever seen, will soon open a diner and drive-in theater in West Hollywood. The restaurant has officially been in the works since 2023, when Musk had already made it clear what an awful person he is, but before he shoved his way into the federal government and started stripping it for parts.
The diner is already built and looks about as good as a Cybertruck, but there’s no opening date yet because no chefs seem to actually want to be involved. Though, it would be difficult to know who might actually be working on the project because, as Wells notes, anyone approached by Tesla about the job is required to sign an NDA. And also deny that the NDA exists.
As such, we’re forced to speculate as to what this Tesla diner might even serve. Considering everything we know about Elon Musk, we’ve got some ideas.
Small Plates Not Meant for Sharing Because That’s Communism
- X: The everything appetizer platter
- All-computer chips
- Little Gem mine salad
- X E 4 P N-iii^2 (french fries, served with a side of Grimes Please Come Back Sauce)
- My Kids Don’t Speak to Me Soup (it’s an empty bowl)
Entrees
- CRISPR-y chicken sandwich
- Ketamini sliders
- Club sandwich that won’t open without an app
- Big balls (meatless meatballs, absolutely no sauce)
- AI-oli (it’s just mayonnaise, made by AI)
For the Table
- Roasted Tesla (flame-engulfed electric vehicle, noxious fumes in one of those Alinea bubbles, and a spray-painted “RESIST” garnish)
- Hot DOGE tower (halfway through your meal they take it away from you but then a judge orders them to give it back two minutes later)
Desserts
- Soylent (not the smoothies, the real one)
For every meal purchased at this hypothetical Elon Musk restaurant, the billionaire will make one promise to donate $6 billion to end world hunger. He will then give the money to himself.
