The Best Place for a Date Is the Restaurant Bar

There’s no better place for conversation fodder of — if necessary — an easy escape route

When I was single, one of the very best first dates I ever had took place at a restaurant’s bar. The weather that night was awful — a full-blown nor’easter — and I remember the relief I felt when I stepped inside and locked eyes with my date, who was waiting at the long marble bar and looked, thankfully, like he did in his photos. We’d only planned to meet for a drink, but as the evening went on, a drink turned into another drink, which turned into dinner, which turned into plans for a second date. The restaurant, with its tiled ceiling, low lights, and boisterous energy, certainly helped — it encouraged both flirting and extended stays. Sitting cheek by jowl with someone I was increasingly sure I wanted to kiss was a quiet thrill, as was the lack of imperative to find somewhere else to go once we decided that we liked each other enough to share a meal.

On the flip side, one of the worst first dates I ever had took place at a restaurant’s bar. But even then, bar seating proved fortuitous, since it allowed me to make an abrupt getaway, something that would have been, if not impossible, then exponentially more awkward had we committed to a table.

In both scenarios, the choice to sit at the restaurant’s bar was the key to unlocking unforeseen opportunities, and it’s why I’m of the firm belief that if you’re on a restaurant date, sitting at the bar is better than sitting at a table. This is admittedly not a groundbreaking observation — many people enjoy eating at bars. But I’d argue that, in terms of dating, the benefits of bar seating bear repeating: In addition to physical proximity and comparatively easy escape, the restaurant’s bar offers conversational fodder, potentially welcome distraction, and relative freedom from the tyranny of restaurant reservation systems. Also, as anyone who’s taken a road trip can attest, it’s often easier to carry on a conversation with someone if you don’t have to stare them directly in the eye the entire time.

The prevailing imagery of the dinner date centers a table, preferably one small enough to clink wine glasses over. Really, if you go by stock photography (and who doesn’t?), it’s the literal image: A search for “dinner date” on a popular stock photo site yielded more than 48,000 photos, almost all of which showed a couple at a restaurant table, their smiles wide and eyes glassy. Restaurant hosts seem to have internalized this message, as they tend to offer bar seating like it’s a half-eaten sandwich. It’s not! I want to protest. It’s a whole sandwich, with a side of fries!

But that’s just me. I realize other people may feel differently, so I asked Daphney Poyser for her opinion. Poyser, a dating coach and matchmaker, is the CEO of Fern Connections, an LGBTQIA+ and ally-inclusive coaching and matchmaking company based in Dallas. “I have a mixed opinion,” Poyser says of her personal experiences with dates that took place at the bar. “I think it’s a wonderful idea, but I’m a personal space person” — so if someone gets too close, it can be a deal breaker. Sitting at the bar requires striking a balance, she says: “You want to be intimate, but I think people should respect other people’s boundaries.”

Sitting side by side, rather than with a table between you, can make that more complicated, so it helps to be mindful of your date’s body language, not to mention how much you’re drinking. Personally, I always preferred a drink I could nurse — a glass of wine, or a cocktail complex enough to discourage swift consumption. Anything that won’t get you too drunk too fast is a good idea, as is taking advantage of the food menu, should things go well enough for that.

Aside from creating potential personal space and boundary issues, sitting at the bar can be awkward if you want to look at someone “because the stools don’t turn,” Poyser says. Still, when she proposed this question — ‘Do you sit next to, across from, or catty corner to your partner when you’re out at dinner?’ — to Fern’s Instagram followers this past December, the results were split. “I think, to be honest with you, a lot of people just like sitting next to each other,” Poyser says.

For a second opinion, I went to my friend Zoe Block. Zoe has dated a lot and has the horror stories to prove it. Bar seating, it turns out, isn’t one of them.

“I am pro sitting at the bar on a date,” she says. “It’s more intimate than a table. You’re sitting immediately next to someone so you can have physical contact if you want to. You can make eye contact if you want to.” And, she adds, echoing my own experience, “it’s easier to run away than if you’re at a table.”

Then there’s the advantage of being able to avoid the table-specific question of who gets the chair versus the bench. “In cis straight couples, there’s usually the expectation that the girl will take the bench because it’s cushier and more comfortable,” Zoe says. “Let’s leave aside the fact you can’t get out as easily.”

This dynamic actually created some tension in one of Zoe’s previous relationships: When she told her then-boyfriend that she didn’t mind sitting in the chair, “From then on, he took the bench every time,” she says. “I think he thought I meant it as a global statement.” Had they sat at the bar more often, “we would have avoided the inequity of a wooden chair versus an upholstered bench.”

But perhaps all of this talk about dating is missing one of the chief pleasures of bar seating: solo date nights. “One of the things I’ve found most empowering is to eat at the restaurant bar alone,” Zoe says. “The piece I like the best about it is that I can order anything I want. Bartenders have seen it all. They’re not going to judge.”